I didn’t want to do it. I could feel every fibre of my body resisting it. Not in a sense of being aware that something was wrong for me – I knew it would be good for me to do it, but I fought it anyway. I fought it for the sake of fighting something.
I could feel myself tensing and stressing. Wanting to push back, to exert control in some way. But it felt like such a young feeling – like a teenage strop, or maybe even a toddler tantrum.
It wasn’t even about the thing – it was about the thing behind the thing.
I’ve been working on “head and heart balance” lately. Letting go of being busy. Making room for more play and joy. Asking for help. Allowing myself to receive. And it has been wonderful. It’s been a challenge, but it has definitely made a difference. I feel lighter, calmer, clearer, happier.
I know what helps me to keep this going – I know that having some structure gives me a space to work within, but giving myself flexibility within that space allows me freedom to learn and grow and keep the journey sustainable.
So even though I know that starting my day with going to the gym can really help me to focus and be energised and awake for a productive morning’s work, I also know that I can’t force myself to go – I have to listen to my body and if I’m tired from a late night, and have more late nights ahead, I sometimes let myself sleep. Structured flexibility. Balancing head & heart.
But this morning was different.
After a late night seeing Glen Hansard, I’d given myself permission to “sleep in” until 7.30am this morning, but I found myself annoyingly awake and well-rested just before my alarm went at 6am! I had no excuse to sleep in – I wasn’t tired! So I found myself grudgingly dragging myself out of bed, going through the motions of my morning routine: journaling, self-led yoga for 10 minutes, then a guided meditation from Calm, before driving myself to the gym.
Walking through the entrance I could feel my body stiffen up – I didn’t want to be there. No reason. I wasn’t tired. I didn’t feel lazy. I just felt stroppy!!
I know my stubborn self. I know there is no point in resisting resistance. There’s no point in fighting back when I’m in the mood to argue with myself!
So I went with it – I allowed myself to feel the resistance. I acknowledged it, accepted it, and brought it with me on the journey.
“What are you willing to give up to have the life you say you want?”
It can be easy for us to give up the things we don’t want, the things that aren’t really that important to us. It’s the stuff we DO want that is hard to sacrifice.
At first, I thought that maybe I was giving up sleep, but now I think it goes deeper than that. I think that things have been going really well lately. Beautifully well. Too well.
I think there’s a part of me that is not comfortable with all this calm. That is itching for a fight because that’s easier than waiting for things to go wrong. Better to self-sabotage than wait for someone else to scupper us?
So, paradoxically, am I willing to give up my old life in order to have the life I say I want? Am I willing to let go of unhappiness, drama, negativity and all my other neurotic habits, in order to let love, happiness and success flourish?
Can I be brave enough to let go of resistance, and embrace abundance?
What do you think?